Wednesday, 7 June 2017

POLYGAMY:MY PERSPECTIVE



Growing up in a polygamous family did actually have an impact on me,though mildly. But as mild as it was , I wish it never did. I haven’t really given much thought to write about it until recently. So, I understand what this is all about.
Why do men become polygamists?
In my quest to get answer to this particular question, I got so many that I find amusing and shallow to a right thinking mind because virtually all of them revolves around the failure of the woman married as the first wife.

Some of the answers I got are: My wife does not give me peace of mind, she’s unable to give me kids,I want mare kids and she’s saying no, I want a male child to carry on the family name, I have money too much foe one woman, I love a big family, my mates are doing it, I want to curb her excesses, my father did same,I am an African man, I never knew she would change in appearance, I want something young and fresh, we live in different cities, so I need a woman around me and the most fascinating one I got recently, we have more women than men, so we want to help your career by marrying more than one.

It then dawned on me that a greater percentage of polygamists do so for the wrong reasons. I am not going to tell you not to get involved in it, but my question still remains; for what reason(s)?

Even the religion that allows it placed certain conditions on it from what I gathered. How many of you follow these principles? Isn’t your means of letting your wife know is coming home late from work with no reasonable explanation or no explanation at all because you are the man of the house and she has no right to question your movements? May be yours is sleeping outside your home for as long as you like without giving thought to how your wife and kids feel about your disappearance? You get irritated in no time and flare up. Her meals suddenly lose their taste. You no longer want a dark or fair complexioned , slim or fat woman. Were you blind when you asked her to be your wife?  Even if she grew on you, can’t you discuss this with her and jointly find solution? Shey you too have not changed a bit as a result of being married or age? Abeg, your wife is what you make her jare. You want to be a happy man? Make your wife happy. You want a woman who will literally worship the ground you walk on? Respect, nurture and cherish her. She is like a watered garden that turns out to give pleasure to the owner. You reap what you sow into her life.

It has always been preached to women to tolerate every shit from a man so as not to send him out. She must be the one to be perfect so as to be able to keep her marriage intact. She must be the respectful and submissive wife without getting so in return from her supposed partner. What happens to the saying that respect is reciprocal? I am not saying the woman should control the man, but she must have a say in how you run the home. You don’t need to tell her you are the husband , she knows already. Prove your ‘husbandiness’ with reasonable and matured actions, not with words or rash behavious or polygamy. Who says the only way a man can be responsible is in bedding her?  Teach your woman how you want her to treat you with your attitudes towards her and she will follow in your steps.

You find yourself in it by mistake?
I don’t know if you’ve heard of such declarations like I didn’t mean to marry a second wife, it was a mistake. I just wanted to keep her as a side chic, but she got pregnant and refused to have an abortion. I had ex-marital affair to teach my wife some lessons on how to treat a man, I never knew it would turn out this way from men. I have on several occasions. A mistake ke? You didn’t realize it as a mistake when you asked the other lady out. It wasn’t a mistake when you mounted her and pump your seeds into her or she was the one that mounted you, who cares? You didn’t know having an unprotected sex with your side chic means you are ready to have a child(ren) from her unless your sperm is weak? Who says the side chic doesn’t want to become a Mrs and will do everything to achieve her aim? She will even go to the extent of faking pregnancy or paternity because she knows how desperate you are to have a child. Abeg, bros no be mistake o. You think na jazz she jazz you? Why you sef waka go where dem go jazz you nah?

I did because she’s lacking in her duties as my wife
Brother Polygamist, I have some questions for you on this sir. What effort did you make to make her realize her folly? Did you find out if her actions stem from your insensitivity, negligence, irresponsibility, immaturity,ego, etc. For every action is a reaction. Are you perfect, dear Mr. Perfectionist? Is the new woman perfect? Who says she’s not worse than the woman you complain so much about? And you don’t think the ‘fresh tomato’ you so much want to pluck can be faking those perfectionist’s attributes in order to ensnare you? What happen to communication between you and the woman of your youth? When was the last time you had a good time with her? And you expect her to warm up to you. I think you are only trying to cover your failure with polygamy ni jare. I know some wives can be unapologetically annoying and frustrating, but I believe you can still work it out.

Because of sex?
Dear sir, it is not new and neither is it a taboo to be better in shagging than your wife. You like it in 360 degrees? Teach her. You can do a million rounds of ‘nacking’ while she can’t? That’s no problem ke. There are several ways to manage that and you will be okay. Does she even enjoy making love to you?  Have you taken your time to teach her how to be better in it? The only thing you do is complain. How about the things she wants you to do to her body? But it has always been the way you want it. Why will she not detest having sex with you? You think her vaginal is not like it used to be? You expect it to be after four kids? Haba,bros! Okay, there are ways you guys can solve this. You hear?  Teach her to love the styles you love and vice versa.

Is it because you want more kids and she doesn’t?
Okay , we have heard you. But you need to also know that the decision on the number of kids and the frequency at which you want to have them should be made by the two of you? Have you found out what her reasons are? Oh,you want male ‘shidren’? Ehen ehen? Are the ‘gehs’ she bore statutes or trees? The ones you have already, do you wantu goan sell them?

Now that you have satisfied your thirst
Are you dealing with them accordingly? When was the last time you have a good time with your foundational wife the way you used to when she was the only cockroach in your cupboard?
Haven’t you been too involved with your new and fresh wife that you totally forget the old and wrinkled one?  While planning to marry a new wife, abeg learn how to share your time equally with them as well.
You can belong to the two or a million of them at the same time, but you must know that each of them wants to know that her man still belongs to her.  Be a loving husband to them all. Ensure none of them live at the mercy of another because it is saddening when I see men treat their other wives according to the dictates of the favourite. As much as your religious, ideological and traditional beliefs support polygamy, you must do it in such a way that your action will not infringe on the emotions and rights of ant of them.

Never compare them with each other.
Some men are in the habit of flaunting how good and ‘wifey’ one wife is to the face of the other. You do this and you expect them to be at peace with each other?  You are stylishly digging your own grave because you may likely die from their incessant fights. Learn to love them each for their different and unique qualities. Some will even go as far as tarnishing the image of the first wife by painting are dirty to the tear rubber and that one will come into the house and be forming Mrs. Perfectionist and acting based on what you have told her. And you think there will be peace? No way!

How many of you deal with them equally? From what I know , it has always been a case of the proverbial Yoruba saying; ariyawo koyale(Cherishing the new wife at  the expense of the first wife’s happiness).

All I know is that no excuse is genuine enough for being a polygamist. It is no solution to marital challenges. The other woman is a woman too, she is no saint. And if you are a terrible husband while practicing monogamy, polygamy will make you more terrible. And should she be failing in one way or the other, help her out. Complement her weaknesses. Give room to communication. There’s no way she will know what she’s not doing right until you point it out to her. Work on yourself as well, you may have a hand in her unruly manner.

 And please ask yourself:

Can you have the same rounds of sex with them? And what if they both want to get down at the same time?
Can you afford to buy them the same quality and quantity of gifts?
Can you spend the same amount of quality time with each of them?
How good is your conflict resolving skill because they will surely quarrel with each other?
What if they both need you at the same time? How will you do manage to be there for them without sparking some jealousy?
What if the new one turns out to be bad too, you will marry another one and another one and another one because you can’t keep up with women’s ways? Okay o, go on and marry all the women in the world.
What effect will it have on our children? Will I love them equally?
 
I wish all polygamists, Muslim or no Muslim will see this and act it. That she welcomes the newly plucked wife doesn't mean she's cool with it. It is sometimes out of the fear of being traditionally and 'religionally'(permit me to use the word) ostracised. This actually depicts the answers I gave to some men that engage me in such discussion as a relationship coach. Your reasons (genuine, selfish, imitation,procreation, as a means of letting her know you are the man of the house,etc) for marrying another wife isn't enough excuse for you to neglect the foundational woman. She will never be cool with you nor your newlywed. Treat them right. They are both unique in their separate ways. One will complement you where the other cannot. None of them can be all you need.
My questions still remains: should marrying a second wife be the solution to the challenges a man faces in his marriage? Is the new woman perfect? Would he continue to marry more as he encounter 'problems' from them? Why can't a woman do same?

Please I need answers.

How I wish to write more!

What's your take on this? Have your say in the comment session.

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